The party Rachel threw for me was really fantastic. Seeing her drunk was probably the silliest ever. She was still the concerned hostess("Are you sure you're having fun?") as usual, but she still cracked me up. I got to talk to people that I never really talked to before AND got to look at some really pretty, extremely sweet boys. :D

I'm glad that I get to hang out with boys and don't have to worry about shit. Ahh, I love being single.
Doesn't mean I don't hate it a little, though.

I'm actually doing smashingly now. :D
I enjoy the ability to ignore.

I had fun today. Except for work.
At least I got more reading done.

I am lost.
I never EVER wanted to be in this fucking place again.

If Hulu would lay off the fucking ads, I would love it. I just want to watch Dead Like Me.
Any suggestions?

On again - Off again. I'm really tired of it, but I can't let it go.
Good books needed to keep me going, please?
Tomorrow is day13 of 13 in my in-a-row stint. Can't wait for Monday.
In German, there's a single word for "the day after tomorrow:" übermorgen.
There's also one for "the day before yesterday:" vorgestern.
Straight and to the point. Very forward.
I like it.

Hallmark is going through a gigantor transition. We're took down Father's Day, moved the Kid's Wall and are putting up Summer Sale items, the new Girlfriend Collection AND the ornament wall for Premiere weekend. X_x It's nice having stuff to do, but also very tiring.
I'm actually really working on putting a really big package together for my Germans. They sent me an email recently to tell me how much they missed me and that Felix died. I got really upset because I miss them a bunch and Felix is gone and they're all growing up and I haven't sent them ANYTHING, etc. The package is going well, but I need someone to come with me one of these days and shop. :D
We need to plan for the festivities in August. Sometime after the 11th? Or when the fuck ever. I just want to ask it off and put it in my calendar so I have a deadline.
Going to see my family tomorrow in the cemetery. Mom is accompanying me. I renovated my grandma's tropical MuMu and now it's real mod. Haha. I'm going to wear it and take yellow roses. I'm pretty stoked.
Birthday was great. Woke up, went to Goodwill, ate at Chipotle, chilled at home, went to the party in Muncie. It was super fun. I got to dress 70's and drink with my family and dance and such. After Muncie, I went to Gammon's house with the boy and drank more. Played Kings, smoked some decent chronic and passed the fuck out. Father's Day I went to see my cousin before he moves to fucking Italy with his family for the Air Force. His girls finally started to not be scared of me. They both let me hold them and love on them, so that was positive. That and I just got to see all of my family.
Turns out, grandma Jenny has ... Chronic Kidney something or other and is in stage 3 of 5, so she's still in a lot of pain, but maybe they'll prescribe her something she can actually afford. I just am not ready for her to die and I don't think she is either, but for now, it's nothing to worry too much about. Uncle Larry's MS is getting really bad too and I know I'm not ready for him to go and my dad certainly isn't. I just don't understand why such wonderful people have to suffer so much. He was a Navy doctor and is a fantastic father and a fantastic man and he's honest and worked hard all of his life just so he could be restrained in a wheelchair, unable to hold his own drink because of the tremors. He looked so sad the whole night because hardly anyone was talking to him. :/ I can't do this to myself and sorry for randomly rambling about it.
Good news, the boy is being really good and I think I've made headway, but knock on wood because I always think I'm making headway. At the party he wasn't very chatty and wouldn't dance with me, but he just left and walked and smoked to blow-off some steam whenever it was bothering him. If things keep the way they are, then maybe things will start to work-out better. I've been happy for the past few nights and that's very new to me, so I'm glad.
Tonight I'm home and glad of it, just wish that I had been able to see someone other than family, but I didn't put out any effort and no one else does because no one ever knows where I am.
I think I've gone on long enough. I'm going to bed and I get to cuddle with my Odie tonight! :D I can't wait to have an apartment of my own with a dog of my own.

PS - I miss you, Ashleigh Matthews. I wanted to mention that I like Prince now and would like to watch some of his movies and listen to music of his with you and you can tell me all about him. :D If you want to, of course. I might call you out of the blue sometime and come pick you up and we can shop for my Germans and for August and stuff. Or whatev. Crafts? I'm totally down for a pit-stop at Michael's to pick something up to do. I dunno. Ideas?

Blah, blah, relationship bullshit, blah. I don't want to talk about it.
My family might be able to come with me to see Grandma and grandpa, so that's positive.
I feel lame because I'm planning on buying gifts pre-made, instead of making them. I guess I just don't feel like I have the energy or inspiration to make anything this year.
"If you said goodbye to me tonight,
there would still be music left to write.
What else could I do?
I'm so inspired by you,
that hasn't happened for the longest time."
I feel like I need that person in my life.

"What can you do when your dreams come true,
and it's not quite like you planned?
What have you done to be losing the one,
You held so tight in your hand?
...
You're afraid you might fall out of fashion,
and you're feeling cold and small.
Any kind of love without passion,
Ain't no kind of loving at all."
True story.

Lyrics are bombarding me, sorry. I'm going for one more, then back on subject.

"I guess this is our last goodbye,
but you don't care, so I won't cry.
You'll be sorry when I'm dead,
cause all this guilt will be on your head.
I guess you'd call it suicide,
but I'm too full to swallow my pride."
That last bit is just badass. Personal opinion...
All of the above are from memory. I'm proud of me. :D

Okay, I am really ready for gift giving. It's like I'm spending money on me(instead of other peoples rent), but I'm spending it on other people, so it's almost more fun because I don't have to find a place to put my new things. I get to give them to people I -insert word that relates to love/care here- about.
I'm trying really hard to not be really creepy and attached to you folks, but my younger personality is seeping through. I was going to think of an awesome analogy, but when it comes down to it, I just get super attached to people because I'm scared they're going to leave me, so I squeeze all the juice out of it that I can. That fails me in a number of ways: I freak people out, I end up getting hurt, and I exhaust myself/forget to love and care for me. Basically, I'm a creeper.
This is really how my mind works. This is a pretty fluid model of all of the things that have crossed my mind while typing.
-goes to get cola and possibly nachos-

I swapped the nachos out for my Odie Joe. :) He's such a sweetie.
I think I'll turn in so that he can sleep. Goodnight.

I've grown weary of my inability to let go.
We've had the same argument too many times.
Every time, I fight against my better judgement and I always win.

Finished Perks, it's a way easy, super-fast read, but I like it every time.
Still trying to trudge through The Gunslinger. It's really good, but it's really hard to follow sometimes. I guess the more you read the easier it is, but I dunno.
Somehow it took me less time to read The Stand and it was 1000+ pages with font like this. The Gunslinger is 200ish with font like this and I'm struggling to make it through. Super gimp.

I'm turning 19 in less than 2 weeks.
It's my Golden Birthday.
I get a $25 gift card from one of the stores I work at and hopefully will get a few bucks from family. Plus I get paid the Saturday and Wednesday before, so I'm deciding what I want to do with my day.

On the 24th it's the 6 year anniversary of my grandma's death.
I want to go to the graveyard, but I'm thinking about going alone. I have a bad feeling about taking a certain person with me and I don't really want to drag anyone else along.
I saw a picture of her at Pat's last night and I had to cry.
Why do really beautiful people have to die?

I have pretty legitimate gift ideas for our Holiday in July.
I was thinking we could push it to August and have a Holiday/Birthday for ashleigh, but I wouldn't want to make you feel like your birthday is less important.
Really, I just want to give you two gifts at once. :D
I tend to be an over-gifter when I have money, but I doubt I'll hear complaints.
I guess I feel like I owe something to all of you for putting up with me and I'm big on "the Spirit of Giving" and what-not.
Fucking Hallmark...

I think that's all for today.

My brother finally got around to reading all of the things that I read in high school and I'm re-reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.


"We accept the love we think we deserve."

That's all.

I need more people to hang out with. I am bored 80% of my life.

One of the best movie scenes ever. The movie in general is fantastic. :D

Right now, is not where I want to be.

I've been reading about Limerence today. It's interesting.
Run through of today is as follows:
Worked 12-4(shitty hours). It was slow, but pretty fun.
Went to Pizza King with the parentals. Fucking devoured it.
Then to Goodwill for work clothes. 5 pairs of pants, 2 shirts.
Now this, plus Criminal Minds. You know what that means?
Matthew Grey Gubler. Also known as, my dream boyfriend.

I am patiently awaiting our "Hoodlums" meeting and such. Only another ... 4-ish hours?

I'm in a fantastic mood. I woke up almost on time to leave for work, sleeping next to Shaye. I worked, it was a lazy day and I read a lot of The Stand. I came home to grilling and good music. My family has just been hanging out. It's been a lot of fun and I think I'll even be in bed at a good time. I think that's all I want to say.
Except, it would be nice to be hanging out with my friends, but a certain someone won't text me back. Anyhow, I'm content at least.

I fucking quit.

I hate titles. I always try to come up with something catchy or witty, but it's always so blah. No more, I think. In my journal, I stopped putting dates on each entry because, at the moment that I decided, I felt that time was of little to no importance to me. I feel the same about titles today.
I'm confused about where I want my relationship to go. Extensive talking and explaining today with Fan4 led me to more thinking. It's all I really think about anymore, but they gave me more angles to view. I'm just confused still. When I'm with other people, looking in, I really just don't give a shit what happens because I just stop caring or something, but when I'm with him it's like I go completely insane trying to keep the threads left of our relationship holding together. I just wish we could talk like civilized people. It's hard when you're crazy for someone; you hear one thing you don't like and it's like a tsunami hits. I'm such a hysterical girl.
I run out of gas too quickly when writing. I feel like I never finish all of my thoughts, mainly because I just get tired of thinking halfway through. I don't know where it came from, but I feel like I have a lot to say. It's just never the right time.

News for the day:

School is ridiculously depressing and the weather is not helping.

More breaking news coming soon.

I finished all of my German homework early; however, I couldn't do Aufsatz(essay) corrections because my computer is extremely fickle.
I didn't attend most of my classes mo.-th. because I can't stand the thought of being awake in this town.
I have to go to work tonight and I would normally be looking forward to it, at least a little bit, if I wasn't so tired/run-down.
Yesterday night, Shaye and I argued about Toledo because he thinks it's irresponsible. I told him that he couldn't control me and he said that while I'm gone for the three days I'm gone that, basically, he's going to go fuck lots of other girls. I'm tired of his bullshit, but I can't help that I want to be with him. I don't have a plausible explanation for why I want to be with him, of course, I just really do.
I'm drinking a coke in hopes that it will substitute for a Monster at least for a little while.
I need to learn how to save money. I really hate being poor.
I want to get on the über-sleep schedule. The one where you sleep for 20 minutes every 4 hours or something ridiculous. I think that would probably be the best thing for me.
I have class in 15 minutes. I would much rather be home, asleep. Uhg... fuck college...

I don't have anything to say...

However, I feel like it's necessary to write something. I'm watching 2012, it's okay, but not really all that exciting. I'm enjoying kicking it with my family, drinking an MGD. I'm not enjoying making my packing list for my return to hell. I can't remember where I put my phone charger. I need to remember to scan my jellyfish picture. All of us need to plan for Toledo. I have to request off for work soon. My Mozilla has a cute ass hedgehog on it. I think I'm cool on updating.

Your body is overrated.

My body is perfection.

Don't misunderstand my opening lines, I just liked the way they sounded. There is more to this story.
I have come to terms with the fact that my A-cups will always be A-cups, until I get pregnant someday. I have also come to terms with the fact that my pants will never fit properly, nor will my shirts, because I have large legs, with a smaller waist and a long torso, with wide ribs. (I also accept that I'll never be 5'9") I don't care anymore because even if my body is shaped this way, it is beautiful. I will always have this nose and these ears and this skin and this hair and these hands. I will always possess these features and I will always love them, somewhere in my heart.
The "you" I refer to is the male unit and the "me" I refer to is the female. I don't understand why we have to feel the way we do just because we've been given a model to conform to. Do you know what makes my body perfect? The fact that no one else has the body I do. That I am the sole owner of this body of mine. I am the only one who needs to love it and it doesn't matter who agrees with me.
I don't strut and I don't act foolish because of my body. I don't wish to flaunt, I love my body for myself. I can't stand the fact that I look in the mirror and think, If only I'd been blessed with a more proportionate figure. I really can't stand knowing that you(the one I referred to earlier) are getting in the way of me loving myself. Why shouldn't I love who I am? I have reasons to hate other aspects of my being, but not my body.

I don't know for sure where I was headed with this, but I'll tell you more later.

RIP Tilly

I killed my car. I should have bought oil instead of cigarettes. I'm a dumbass, even more so than last post.
I'm employed, so that's good. But now I lack transportation. Tight.

I love being idiotic, obviously.

I haven't slept since 4pm yesterday and I only slept for an hour up to that point. I smoked before I went to my 8am and took an exam. Sitting, waiting for class number 2 to start and until it's time to go to my job interview that's immediately followed by me working for 5 hours. This is going to be a really eventful first day at work. I'm telling you, I need to get my act together or my mom's going to disown me.
Someone give me some motivation.