I was laying on my hard pillow and felt the other two lying next to me hoping to find something a little softer, only to discover that the one my head is on is the softest and remembering that I took the best one to my dorm with me: it feels like I'm sleeping on a cinder block. I couldn't/can't sleep. So, I think to myself, Fuck it. The Monster hasn't worn off yet and since my head still hurts and I'll need Excedrin, which is loaded with caffeine, I might as well stay up and maybe watch some movies. I watched Eternal Sunshine and thought I might die from crying, coming to the conclusion that no matter how much you want to forget sometimes it will hurt more to forget than to remember. If that makes any sense at all.
I guess I forgot all of the shit that happened in it since it's been so long since I watched it last because the ending did really surprise me. Every second I was on the verge of tears and by the end, I didn't care. I've been in the mood to cry recently and just haven't had the right motivation.
Then, I'm dying for a cigarette because contrary to popular belief, misery loves cigarettes, not company, so I smoke one while I get online and read the latest posts from ashleigh. I'm not supposed to smoke in my room, but I'm always too lazy to go out into the garage, so I just light some incense by the door and pull my stolen Best Western ashtray out from under my bed. The smoke from the cigarette and all of the incense gets in my eyes and they burn even worse than they did when I was crying.
In response to ashleigh because I didn't want to blow up the damn comment box with my chatter:
1) I'm the opposite of you, I use fuck way more in conversation, but my favourite swear is shit.
2) Really, I laughed my ass off at that dude(and he does remind me of you) and I needed it right then because of the movie.
3) I'm pretty stoked for tomorrow/today because I'm just going to call dibs on you as my "date" because we're both in the same situation with the crowd. Though I must admit, Lili is really good about chillin' with us when everyone else is around.
I have to go clean my house for my mom(and hope that she might pay me) so that she won't be embarassed when we have company over to celebrate the New Year. 2010: two years until the end of our world. Sometimes I hope that it's all real, that it's the end of the world as we know it, and others, I wish so badly that it's another Y2K and we'll all be holding our breath when the clock counts down, just to find it's another hoax. It just depends on what's happening in my life. I have to clean and I'm already so worn down from two nights ago when I stayed awake for so long and watched movies. Plus, I have to stay up all night tomorrow, so I can get drunk and ring in the New Year like everyone else. I still have to find something to wear. I don't feel like I'll be able enough to fix that dress and nothing else screams "NEW YEAR" to me. Maybe I'll stick with jeans and comfort, but who wants to get drunk in pants? Maybe I'll take a nap later. Maybe I'll just get really tight and stay up for way over 24 hours and get everything done. Maybe I'm over-thinking. Only time will tell.
In other news, I got a parking ticket and I'm really mad because it couldn't have come at a shittier time. Not only because I am still hiding Shaye's apartment in Bloomington from my parents, but also because I'm dead broke. No job, just after the holidays. It's only $50 and Shaye's offered to pay it, but I feel so terrible every time I think about it.
Fuck Bloomington and fuck IU, though. I can feel my former-self melting away from me and this music of mine isn't helping. I used to be a MUSICIAN and I used to be OUTGOING and I used to feel a lot of things that I don't anymore. I can't even explain how many people laugh at me when I tell them that and jokingly say, "What happened?," but I'm so serious. College, thus far, has been beguiling and not in a good way. I thought I was going to party and meet so many new people and it was going to be this positive, growing experience. When I tell people that I'm not liking it, they just tell me that it'll get better and it'll all work out. I'm glad they're optimistic.
I'm done complaining for tonight/today, maybe I'll get some shit done tonight/today. I can't even decide what day it is.
edit: My webcam is shit, but I can still dig on the picture.
